Weekend Reflection
I've come to realize that this is all a chore to me. I don't want to drive in the morning to school. I hate it. I can't quit. I wish there was a way to make it better. Sure I can work with other people to come up with solutions, but you know what it's all up to me to enforce those solutions. And it usually ends in failure for me and my students. I just want to teach the way I want to teach. Develop my style and be able to share that with my students. I feel like it's too late to change it. I've set my course outline for my students. The assignments are given. The topics chosen. When I divulge away from that and go against what I said in the beginning of the year, my students will see that "hey this teacher isn't standing by what she said". It's true. They'll see that I don't know what I'm doing at all. You know what, it's true. I'm just an intern, still learning one day at a time.
That's what sucks about this, I hate being alone. No one can be there to defend me. I'm the one who needs to stand up and do it. Can I go in and say "I'm still learning, guys and girls.. I'm new at this.. give me a chance to experiment with you"... maybe I can say that.. but I dunno.. right now I have so many things floating in my mind. All I can think about is school and this whole experience. Nothing else.. I need something in my life to make me happy and right now I've got nothing. Nothing to keep me distracted.. Nothing to keep my mind from thinking about this "chore".
So just to recap Friday's class, I did a huge no-no.. Half the class wanted to go outside to do their work and the other half didn't say anything. I was a push-over, and let half of them go outside (the half that wouldn't do their work anyways) and the other half in the class. I asked my co-op teacher to watch the half inside and I would watch the half outside. When I came home and realized what a mistake I made I felt stupid and embarrassed again. If I had my own class, I would not have someone else watch my class. Either the whole class came outside or no one went outside. I should have made a distinctive decision and realize that not everyone wanted to go outside. That sucked.. Major fail... I didn't even discuss this with my co-op because I would have felt embarrassed. Why am I such a push-over? I'm really not going to be good at this job, me thinks..
This weekend I was suppose to have alot of stuff done, but managed to think way more about how much I hate this experience. The thing is I can go talk to my supervisor about how I'm feeling, but it wouldn't change anything. Again, she would just offer me suggestions. I get alot of different advice, than I think about it and get scrambled up with my own doubts.
I want to step out of the box, and teach what I'm interested in.
I hated high school. Why am I back? It's like a huge popularity contest all over again. What made me want to come back to this hell? When I graduated, I thought that I could change the system. Be able to pick those students that were like me and make them like high school.. I can't just wave my magic wand and make that happen, why would I think that I'm capable of that?
What did I hate about high school? That I was invisible. I came and I left. No one noticed. May be I'm feeling sorry for my past self, but that's the way I saw it. To this day, I still think my old classmates could care less about me. And you know what, I don't care about them. I survived high school and managed to land myself straight back.
I go to school tomorrow, and I don't know what to expect. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I'm not sure. Everyone else is having a good time and I'm sulking in the corner.. I'm just not lovin it.. and of course I've heard it many times.. "it will get better..".. really? I don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm just so critical of myself.. I'm scared of people judging me and labeling me a "bad teacher" or "failure". I feel like I'm disciplining more than actually teaching my students, helping them learn and understand better. The "head honchos" tell us to teach what our co-op teacher is teaching, being a leader and focus on building those relationships with students. I don't feel like that's what I'm doing at all. I'm just gonna say it.. "I'm not a leader, I'm not a follower, I'm here to guide." I want to help students learn, see their eyes light up when they "get it". I'm seriously reconsidering becoming a teacher. I think I want to work in resource or EA support.
Week 2 begins.. I need to get organized quick. on a side note.. I need a haircut again. I'm outs.
Mood: lost in thoughts 