My Life Before Becoming VP Academic Affairs
As I was sitting in my office the other day I was struck by a thought. I was listening to my colleague’s inane rambling about his brother this and his niece that and his grandma’s triple hip replacement blah blah blah. Anyways, he got me thinking about my own mysterious and dark past full of evil secrets. I was born Oswald Cobblepot and during my formative years I was incessantly bullied by my classmates for my strange appearance (short stature, chubby physique, pointed, beak-like nose and so forth). It didn’t help that my overprotective mother forced me to carry an umbrella everywhere I went after my father died of pneumonia he caught after being drenched in a downpour. Anyways my best friends were always my mothers birds, they were so cute and non-judgmental. I wish I could say the same for my incredibly wealthy family, they regarded me as an outcast and their painful rejection obviously forced me into a life of crime. However, owing to my family’s tradition of wealth I perpetrated my crimes in high style. For example, I always wear a monocle, tuxedo, snazzy top hat and of course my umbrella that also doubles as a rifle, because I figure why let go of my traumatic past? What good would that do? Once I had my new career up and running it took me somewhere I never expected, I moved to Gotham…… I moved away.
After I had settled into my new life in a different city I hatched a masterful plan to frame a bothersome vigilante for the murder of a mob boss AND pin a series of ingenious heists on him as well. That ended up going pretty badly though as my plan was thwarted. However, I did manage to escape the clutches of the caped crusader and after all that had blown over, I moved here into this office and began listening to the boring and utterly mundane strings of events that compose the lives of my friends and co-workers. Hmmmmm as I write this I am struck by another thought, whatever happened to that old rifle umbrella……………
Kelsey


